We’re being told to shape up and grow up, but no one’s listening. Do either of these celebrities have a shot at saving the millenial generation??
According to everyone on the internet, millenials have it rough.
We aren’t very happy because we feel entitled to things and lack an equivalent sense of what they’re worth. We think we’re special (and want everyone to know it – by the way, follow me on Instagram because my life is awesome!). We are confused and outraged when tall plants and wizened CEOs do not yield at our approach.
We’re torn between a sense of duty to do well and the desire for self-fulfillment, resulting in things like: quarter-life crises, impulsive decisions, unhealthy addictions to irony and cynicism, and announcements of new made-up careers like “head historian of awesome adventures”.
Obviously we are headed down a path of total destruction. Good thing Ashton Kutcher and Britney Spears are here to remind us that all we need to do is get to work. And life will be better.
Here’s Kutcher’s Teen Choice Awards speech from August:
Can we momentarily reconcile the above with what used to be there?
Now here’s the audio of Britney Spears’ new song, “Work Bitch”
Now let’s reconcile that with–actually, we don’t need to go that far.
Britney definitely sounds far more alive – if a little British – in her latest track, and her weird monotonous delivery is addicting. I hope her song steals Miley Cyrus’ thunder so hard that she’ll be involuntarily twerking from the aftershock.
But the point is! Who did a better job of convincing us of the merits of work?
Let’s tally the evidence.
On working hard:
Ashton: “Opportunity looks a lot like hard work.”
Britney: “Don’t stop now, just be the champion / Working hard like it’s your profession”
Mini verdict: Ashton’s is more sound-bite friendly and a more accommodating of my own limitations. I’m pretty amazing but “champion” is pushing it, you know?
On being sexy:
Ashton: The sexiest thing in the world is being really smart.”
Britney: “You want a hot body?…You better work bitch.”
Mini verdict: I am conflicted and confused! But considering that I have never seen Ashton Kutcher out with a schlubby but intelligent assistant like the way all the fanfics describe, I’m going to say all truths point to Britney.
On building a life:
Ashton: “Build your own life that other people can live in. Don’t live one.”
Britney: “Fingers to the sky / Now they don’t believe ya, but they gonna need ya / Keep it building higher and higher.”
Mini verdict: Ooh, I like feeling needed. But if I stretch my fingers any higher I’m going to fall over on my face. Team Ashton.
On being a rebel:
Ashton: “My name is actually not even Ashton. Ashton is my middle name. My first name’s Chris.”
Britney: That stanza where she storms in and usurps the governor and sounds a bit like the love child of John F. Kennedy and Eliza Doolittle (“Caw me the gah-ve-nahh!”).
Mini verdict: Not even close.
Final Verdict: Ashton did have the whole Steve Jobs afterglow going for him and his speech was earnest, but it felt a little creepy watching him make a simplified commencement speech to girls who could only scream that they loved him.
Britney’s song may lack substance, but I’ve it on repeat all day and every time I look at my belly I can hear her taunting me to get to work. So her message sticks as long as the earworm does.
No one and every one wins! We should work hard to get the things we want, but there’s a strong chance that we will never own a Bugatti or get to smell Mila Kunis’ hair. Make of that what you will.
Now I really should get back to work (bitch).